10 pounds ‘o blog

ameliorate

I hope they do steal his damned car. That way I’ll never have to hear that freakin’ alarm again.

My neighbor, one of those insufferable yuppies who descended on San Diego like locusts during the dot-com years and for some reason never left, drives a silver Audi A4. He doesn’t have a garage, so he has to park his million-dollar baby on the street. His usual spot seems to be right under my window.

Along with all the other useless crap they stuff into cars these days, the Audi comes equipped with an alarm system. And, boy, is it touchy. Count on it going off when a Harley rides by. A passing city bus can trigger it, too. Somebody sneezing within 10 feet of the car? A falling leaf? Sure, why not?

Biff’s silver Audi is not the only car in town with an overly sensitive alarm. In fact, you hear them so often these days that the original intent — to protect the vehicle from theft — is a joke. The car alarm has become just another part of the cacophony of city life; if anybody notices it at all, it’s out of irritation, not concern. If I were stealing a car and the alarm went off, I’d just continue doing my thing until it was time to drive away. If a cop happened by, he’d just threaten me with a ticket for noise pollution anyway.

As intrusive noises go, the car alarm is one of the worst offenders. But there are plenty of others, too, most of them tied to gadgetry designed to make our lives more convenient. Well, convenient they may be, but irritating as hell they certainly are.

How about the ringtone on a cell phone? I never thought I’d see the day when the opening bars of Beethoven’s Fur Elise would tick me off, but Sprint has managed to do it. Sublime music is not meant to be trivialized through reduction to electronic burps and gurgles. I thought about customizing my ringtone once, to have it sound like a woman moaning in ecstasy. If I have to use the blasted thing, I might as well play it for laughs, right? Bad taste, I was told. (Bad taste? This is America, the Fertile Crescent of bad taste.) Yeah, it probably is in bad taste. I think bastardizing Beethoven is worse, actually, but that’s just me.

But even butchered Beethoven is better than some of the other sounds these phones make. Dooodle-ooOOO-dooo…. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle…. They’re stupid and intrusive, especially when they go off at a public event (like a Beethoven concert) or in a restaurant or anywhere human beings gather for social intercourse.

Put your phone on vibrate and stick it in your pocket. Don’t worry, you’ll feel it. Stick it in the right pocket, and it might feel pretty good.

Wait. There’s more.

Our office fax machine, which pretty much spits out dreck from PR flacks all day long, beeps every time it swings into action. Why is that? If I’m expecting a fax, I’ll go looking for it. If I’m not expecting a fax, I don’t need to know that more drivel is coming my way.

My microwave oven squawks when it’s done. OK, that makes a certain amount of sense on a long cycle. But if I’m not over there to open the door and take dinner out this very instant, it squawks some more, loudly and insistently. Hey, get off my back. I know there’s something in there. I put it there, remember?

ATMs beep, too. I’ve taken to playing a game, where I try to remove the card before the ATM reminds me of my forgetfulness. No matter how quickly I pull the card, the damned thing still beeps. The best I could do was a half-beep, once. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t beep at you to take the money. Once you’ve raided their coffers, banks don’t care whether you remember the cash or not.

I could go on — clothes driers, watches, computers — but you get the point. The people who make all these things obviously think we’re idiots. That without their constant, irritating reminders, we’d go wandering off, our minds blank, to drool down our shirts or spend 30 minutes tying our shoes.

The world is noisy enough without adding completely useless aural pollution to the mix. So knock it off, wouldja?I hope they do steal his damned car. That way I’ll never have to hear that freakin’ alarm again.

My neighbor, one of those insufferable yuppies who descended on San Diego like locusts during the dot-com years and for some reason never left, drives a silver Audi A4. He doesn’t have a garage, so he has to park his million-dollar baby on the street. His usual spot seems to be right under my window.

Along with all the other useless crap they stuff into cars these days, the Audi comes equipped with an alarm system. And, boy, is it touchy. Count on it going off when a Harley rides by. A passing city bus can trigger it, too. Somebody sneezing within 10 feet of the car? A falling leaf? Sure, why not?

Biff’s silver Audi is not the only car in town with an overly sensitive alarm. In fact, you hear them so often these days that the original intent — to protect the vehicle from theft — is a joke. The car alarm has become just another part of the cacophony of city life; if anybody notices it at all, it’s out of irritation, not concern. If I were stealing a car and the alarm went off, I’d just continue doing my thing until it was time to drive away. If a cop happened by, he’d just threaten me with a ticket for noise pollution anyway.

As intrusive noises go, the car alarm is one of the worst offenders. But there are plenty of others, too, most of them tied to gadgetry designed to make our lives more convenient. Well, convenient they may be, but irritating as hell they certainly are.

How about the ringtone on a cell phone? I never thought I’d see the day when the opening bars of Beethoven’s Fur Elise would tick me off, but Sprint has managed to do it. Sublime music is not meant to be trivialized through reduction to electronic burps and gurgles. I thought about customizing my ringtone once, to have it sound like a woman moaning in ecstasy. If I have to use the blasted thing, I might as well play it for laughs, right? Bad taste, I was told. (Bad taste? This is America, the Fertile Crescent of bad taste.) Yeah, it probably is in bad taste. I think bastardizing Beethoven is worse, actually, but that’s just me.

But even butchered Beethoven is better than some of the other sounds these phones make. Dooodle-ooOOO-dooo…. Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle…. They’re stupid and intrusive, especially when they go off at a public event (like a Beethoven concert) or in a restaurant or anywhere human beings gather for social intercourse.

Put your phone on vibrate and stick it in your pocket. Don’t worry, you’ll feel it. Stick it in the right pocket, and it might feel pretty good.

Wait. There’s more.

Our office fax machine, which pretty much spits out dreck from PR flacks all day long, beeps every time it swings into action. Why is that? If I’m expecting a fax, I’ll go looking for it. If I’m not expecting a fax, I don’t need to know that more drivel is coming my way.

My microwave oven squawks when it’s done. OK, that makes a certain amount of sense on a long cycle. But if I’m not over there to open the door and take dinner out this very instant, it squawks some more, loudly and insistently. Hey, get off my back. I know there’s something in there. I put it there, remember?

ATMs beep, too. I’ve taken to playing a game, where I try to remove the card before the ATM reminds me of my forgetfulness. No matter how quickly I pull the card, the damned thing still beeps. The best I could do was a half-beep, once. Interestingly enough, it doesn’t beep at you to take the money. Once you’ve raided their coffers, banks don’t care whether you remember the cash or not.

I could go on — clothes driers, watches, computers — but you get the point. The people who make all these things obviously think we’re idiots. That without their constant, irritating reminders, we’d go wandering off, our minds blank, to drool down our shirts or spend 30 minutes tying our shoes.

The world is noisy enough without adding completely useless aural pollution to the mix. So knock it off, wouldja? (STFU Bob)
(taken from Wired dot com, Tony Long is a self evident genius implying the obvious. Doesnt make him any less right)

irascible

This sums up my current job all encompassingly.

Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
- Putt’s Law

I am here back in NYC and life is just so rough in my jersey hotel living the life of a glorifed mover

Wahhhhhhhh mother fucker, your time will come.

acumen

I got it bad
You don’t know how bad I got it
You got it easy
You don’t know when you got it good
It’s getting harder
Just keeping life and soul together
I’m sick of fighting
Even though I know I should
The cold is biting
Through each and every nerve and fibre
My broken spirit is frozen to the core
Don’t wanna be here no more

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was for just one day
And wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side
The grass is always greener over there
Wouldn’t it be good if we cold live without a care

You must be joking
You don’t know a thing about it
You’ve got no problem
I’d stay right there if it were you
I got it harder
You couldn’t dream how hard it got it
Stay out of my shoes
If you know what’s good for you
The heat is stifling
Burning me up from the inside
The sweat is coming through each and every pore
Don’t wanna be here no more

Wouldn’t it be good to be in your shoes
Even if it was just for one day
And wouldn’t it be good if we could wish ourselves away
Wouldn’t it be good to be on your side
The grass is always greener over there
And wouldn’t it be good if we could live without a care

Anyone else think Nik Kershaw was on to something here?

bruit

This sucks. Im serious. this sucks in a huge way. Ive been known to get melodramatic over little or nothing at all but this has really got me in a funk.
BAGHDAD (Reuters) - The death of an army sergeant pushed the U.S. military death toll in Iraq to the landmark figure of 2,000 on Tuesday, but President George W. Bush warned more sacrifices were needed before U.S. troops could come home.

Somehow the phrase “I told you so” just doesnt make me feel any better. Such bullshit that so many would have to die over what I still maintain is an illegal war over natural resources and establishing a “tactical” resource in the middle east.

Fuck you Dub Ya.

regale

How cool is this?

tenebrous

It seems like twilight but in reality it is an overcast sunrise bringing me out of my slumber. My eyes feel sticky and I wonder when was it that I fell asleep last night, 7pm or 8? I cannot remember. I wasn’t drunk and I don’t remember taking any sleeping pills so sleep must have been necessary. As I pull myself out of bed I hear a knocking on the door and it is then I realize that I am still not home. I don’t remember this room, it’s just another trailer and I ponder “is this my trailer or someone else’s”? A production assistant (the incessant knocking) tells me the director needs me asap. 5 minutes and Im out the door, it is still over cast but the lighting makes it looks as bright as any desert sunrise. A makeup person puts preparation H under my eyes to clear up the bags (I still don’t remember drinking yesterday). I find the director who was Hispanic yesterday but today is a short black woman with a baseball cap trying desperately to emulate Spike Lee who preps me on today scene’s required emotions. I exhale happily and remind myself that being told how to feel is better than figuring it out on my own.

“I need bored, listless, intent yet not caring”
“its cool baby, too cool”
“you don’t look like you are ready for this, are you bored?
”spare me, spare me”
“what do you want out of this scene, tell me your inspiration here?
“I just want everyone to be happy, I am also concerned about the plants ecological problems”
“excellent. go see makeup about those bags under your eyes”

10 minutes later, with the cameras following me and the director whispering under his breath (somehow he is a he again) the scene begins. I run into Rochelle. She is wearing a DKNY pantsuit, jacket by Basso & Brooke and hair by DuBioss.

“Oh my God, Chris, you look great! What are you using on your eyes”
“Cool baby, your so cool. When did we see each other”
“You are too funny. When did you leave this morning”
“Umm great question but seriously, when did we see each other baby”
“Always playing around aren’t you. Are you going to the Bora Kasu show today? We could go together although people will talk if we are seen together 2 days in a row. Such dramatics”
Seriously babe, lay off the Klonopin, it causes short term memory loss. I didn’t see you yesterday”
“always the kidder aren’t you love?”
“ummmmm cool baby”

The director yells cut and I walk away from Rochelle who continues to ask me if I want to go to the Bora Kasu show. I head back to my trailer but I cant remember which one is mine so I just pick one, walk in a lay down. Despite my 10+ hours of sleep, 2 hours of being awake has exhausted me and I lay down fully clothes (to hell with the wrinkles) and fall into the coma again.

animadversion

Anyone who knows me well enough to know my taste in women knows that I like blondes, especially pale pasty blue eyed blondes. I also like twins, I mean COME ON, what man doesnt honestly? Well I, and every other pervert, just found ourselves a replacement for the Olsen Twins (who are total skanks now). Meet Lamb and Lynx Gaede, also known and Prussian Blue. They have it all….the looks, the moves, the voices and the talent to take them all the way to the top.

They are also nazis. Seriously. They sing aryan propoganda wing-dang-doodles like “Angry Little Aryans” in front of sold-out crowds.
Click here for the article

I seriously am at a loss for words at this. For one thing, they have the right to say whatever they want and I support that. On the other hand, they definitely wouldnt want me coming over to dinner, not with my “muddy” heritage. However, in the spirit of “briniging people together” I would like to invite the Gaede twins to dinner (along with their parents) where they can have an open forum to speak their minds so that we may understand them better.
Dinner would be, of course, hosted by R Kelly.
I stay flossin in the candy paint, sippin drank and smokin dank

syncretic

I’ll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
I’ll be the fire escape that’s bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day

I’ll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement’s on the brink
I’ll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep…
I’ll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity’s done to you…
I’ll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight up to the throat
With the collar up so you won’t catch a cold

I want to take you far from the cynics in his town and kiss you on the mouth
We’ll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene and start a brand new colony
Where everything will change
We’ll give ourselves new names, identities erased
The sun will heat the grounds under our bare feet in this brand new colony

Everything will change

imbroglio

President Bush’s job approval rating has slipped to 39%, the lowest measure of his presidency, according to a USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll.
At the same time, job approval for Congress, which has a Republican majority, has fallen to 29%. That is its lowest level since 1994, the year Democrats lost control of the Senate and House of Representatives for the first time in 40 years.

The poll showed that 68% of Americans say they are dissatisfied with the way things are going in the country. That is the most negative assessment in nearly a decade.

Hmmmmm….for all of the redneck, hill-billy, shit-head hicks who watch too much American Chopper and voted for G-dub in the last election I would like to say DEE DEE DEE!!! Good move America….hindsight is a bitch isnt it? Stick to rotating crops and leave the heavy thinking to the liberals from now on.

schadenfreude

Everybody’s favorite video-game-violence activist/lawyer Jack Thompson — he who likes to blame Grand Theft Auto and the like for crimes — last week said he’d donate $10,000 to charity if somebody would create a game for him. Strangely, Thompson’s request was for a violent game in which the father of a child beaten to death “by a 14-year-old gamer” goes on a rampage for revenge, killing the publisher of the video game, video game merchants, and so on. Not surprisingly, some programmers took him up on his offer, creating a GTA mod where “Banman” — designed to be a Thompson alter ego — plays the part of the vengeful father, calling it “Defamation of Character: A Jack Thompson Murder Simulator”. Thompson, of course, says his offer was “satire” and won’t pay out — so the people behind a popular online-gaming comic strip are donating $10,000 of their own to charity (in Thompson’s name, natch). Thompson says his effort (creatively titled “A Modest Video Game Proposal,” so it must have been satire) “was intended to highlight the patent hypocrisy and recklessness exhibited by the video game industry’s willingness to target cops, women, homosexuals, and other groups.” It’s hard to understand why Thompson feels his point has been proven, and other anti-violence creators are beginning to scratch their heads at his tactics and distance themselves from him too.

Basically, Jack Thompson is a big fucking asshole that should be run over with a car