Archive for June, 2006
practicable
This right here is a picture of the best friends I had while I was going to college in Anchorage, Alaska. I miss those guys sometimes.
From left to right: Terry, me, Keith and Jake. We used to wreck shit.
plethora
There was a time in my life when I thought “All I ever need in this world is my passion….soccer”. Alas, the best-laid plans often go awry. I fell into a bad crowd, one that didnt use soccer for sport but for violence. They were hooligans of the worst sort…..monkeys that practiced the ancient art of black magic for their dark needs. Not content to live life throwing banana peels at zoo visitors, these damn apes wanted world domination. They would have gotten it too had I not intervened with my time traveling Dolorian. Without my sacrifice, all of mans accomplishments would have been left a smoking ruin, a black stain on the planets tupperware green surface. This is my story, this is my confession.
gainsay
Fuck myspace. I found something better. Or so I think. Its some web site that i saw showcased on an IFC show. Its called Consumating dot com and it has to better than the myspace/friendster scene.
In other news……..I spoke with Jack Black and we got to joking around with what my character would be if I was in his new movie Nacho Libre. This is what we came up with.
I am…………El Tigre Guapo, III
My signature move is the El Azote Incredible and heres how I break it down fo ya….
Only I, for my body is carved from the bones of a Tyrannosaurus Rex and my muscles molded from the remains of 1,000 Incan warriors can perform this deadly move. It is simple so read once but re-read again if confused. With your opponent standing in front of you but facing away, slap, with your uncommonly large hand, open like you were waving to Saturn, the backside of your opponent. Because of your strength and lineage, a single spank will cause your enemigo to lose all reproductive abilities as well as the will to fight. Once left listless, your opponent will perform duties for you that a dog would never consider.
arbitur
I just wanted to let you all know something….
my posses’s on broadway.
LA face with the Oakland booty!
bravura
So…………….I hear the “Prince of Al Qaeda” was killed this morning.
Who didnt see this coming?
And speaking of people who need to get bombed…………heres the worthless sack of blonde called Jessica Simpson.
paucity
What’s wrong with silence?
Recently I have had to travel for work and meet/work with colleagues or co-workers that I have never met before. I had heard their names before but had never been introduced prior to these meetings. Some of these people are ok, some are marginally annoying and some are utterly frustrating. I have never been the type to be able to spend 90% of my available time with one other person, save a few women I have been lucky enough to have been involved with in the past. Everyone gets fed up with someone else at some point in a relationship, even if it is a working relationship. I seem to have an even lower tolerance level than most though. Take for instance the guy whom I met most recently for a job in North Carolina. The task was supposedly simple, go re-install and trouble-shoot some virtualization software in a Cisco lab along with the guy who is supposed to train this material. Sounds simple but it does get a little more complicated. For one thing, I’ve never really had any exposure to this software. It runs on Linux which is a plus for me since I know that OS but the software itself was supposedly dropped by Cisco for whatever reason (not ready for production? no industry interest? shitty product?) but then resurrected for EDS (as evil as M$ but not as smart). This makes me nervous but all I have to do is install it, the Trainer guy can fuck with it after that.
But I digress, back to the guy who I am working with. He is a total conversationalist. I should have expected this being that he is a “trainer” and speaks in front of a group of people for a living. You know the type, they are common enough. They always have something to say, they rarely if ever have ‘quiet days’. They have a goofy, somewhat ‘corny’ sense of humor. They always have a quick jab or catch phrase ready for you like “hey tiger! How’s it hanging? Mines to the left, hah hah. Well take it easy, I take it any way I can! Hah, I crack myself up!!”. They are constantly on the phone. They wear a Bluetooth enabled cellular earpiece ALL the time, even inside building that get no cellular coverage. Cell phone conversations happen whenever and wherever they feel like regardless of the atmosphere. Take for instance yesterday where, after a frustrating morning of solution searching inside a cold, loud server room, I finally get to go to lunch and relax. We get in the car and the dialing starts.
“hi Honeyyyyyy, how are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu? blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
Im not sure why but people like this like to extend the last vowel sound of any comma punctuated question or end of sentence.
They talk for a while about whatever meaningless crap they have going on in their lives and then on come the children.
“Hi Sabrina….HI SABRINA…………SABRINA HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII, ARE YOU THERE? CAN YOU HERE ME?”
“Justin…JUSTIN, HI SON, LOVE YOU TOO AND I MI….WHAT? YES SON, HELLO? PUT MARY ON”
“HI MARY, OH, JUSTIN, PUT MARY BACK ON….HI MARY SWEEEETIE, YES THIS IS DADDY, DID YOU EAT ALL YOU VEGGIES?”
HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? CYNTHIA? HEY BABY, THIS IS DADDY? HOW WAS THE SWIM MEET? SWIM MEET….I SAID S W I M  M E E T!!!!!”
“Hi Todd, TODD!! WHATS HAPPENING? YOU’RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE SO TAKE CARE OF THE FAMILY UNTIL I GET BACK!! I SAID ‘MAN OF THE HOUSE’…no son…MAN…..MAN OF THE HOUSE!!!  CAN YOU HEAR ME, SON? MAN OF THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“HELLO LISA? SAY WHAT? LISA? LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?”
Apparently this guy has 6 kids (not an exaggeration, he has 6) and they all have fucking hearing problems (again, apparently). Every child he spoke to, he spoke to louder. He just kept getting louder and louder and drawing out his words as if he was talking to some astronaut through a soup can and some string. He is practically yelling. All this while I am in the car sitting right next to him. I need to get this out of the way now because I cannot (should not) say it to him because I have a few more days of working together (which I want to go smoothly) but ….. “SHUT THE FUCK UP!! I DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU DOWNTALK AS LOUD AS YOU CAN TO YOUR DUMBASS DEAF KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I guess I’m just insensitive but I think there must have been a better place to do that than in the car right next to me. How annoying.
Another thing is he just won’t shut up. He is one of those personality types that believe that if we are not talking or discussing something together, then we must have a problem. He will ask me really random questions right out of the blue. He could be rambling on about house insulation and then ask me point blank “What the hell should we do about Iran?â€Â Knowing this is a loaded question designed to bait me into a discussion I simply say “It’s a difficult solution with no easy answers”. This doesn’t discourage the talker who has a monologue just waiting to be fired off. He will state his views and what he thinks should be done bullet-quick for about 15 minutes and then throw out more bait.Â
“So what do you think of my solutions, surely you must have an opinion”
My opinion is that he shoud stfu and let me drive. He has used this tactic with any number of topics ranging from Iran, Welfare, immigration, the southern border, Iraq, Fiscally conservative spending, the environment, training, Cisco, my company, my boss, my marital status, gays in the military, gays in his neighborhood, technology in business, college, child raising, church, family……………..
Maybe you have picked up on this but this guy is a republican….from TEXAS of all places.Â
I just want to get this weeks work done. I don’t want to discuss my life’s story. (he has asked me any number of very pointed personal questions) I dont want to discuss current events. I don’t want to discuss politics for sure for on this point we shall certainly disagree and it will make working together even harder the rest of this week. Just because I’m quiet and wont engage in conversation doesn’t mean I do not like you. It just means I don’t really know you and I don’t necessarily need to be your buddy. I just need to be your co-worker for in this, I have no say. I was told to go do a job and you happen to be here working on it as well. It doesn’t make us a team. You are not my ‘partner’. We are just co-workers.
Silence is golden…………..and it appears that gold is rare here in North Carolina.
pleonasm
I found some pretty cool shit in the interaolweb this morning.  I had an idea about a website that would allow posters to  rank dates or whatever with people they had met on the interaolweb. Low and behold (and not surprisingly) someone else already thought of this. I thus give you the following linx.
http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com/
Most of these are directed at the men in the world and rarely if at all focus on the woman. For instance this is the first quote I came across on woman savers.
 This man is a truck driver and only thinks with his oenis (sic). He has cheated on me with three other women and convised (sic) one to get an abortion all while married tome (sic?). Hes a selfish jerk who needs to be castrated
Besides being very bitter, this woman needs remedial spelling classes. Of the three though, I like the interface on TrueDater best. I would have called mine datemistake dot com but it seems a little late to jump on the bandwagon.
Meanwhile, back in Gotham City………WTF? Is this Nun really carrying a Gucci handbag?
Click the image for a bigger shot.