10 pounds ‘o blog

contumacious

Brown, Chris D
San Diego, California

Chris Brown, beloved Father and friend, was found dead in the Mission Trails national park near San Diego, California. Police believe he was lured there and then ambushed by a small stream that runs through the canyon in a secluded area.

Chris was a devoted father and loyal friend to many in the area, and to a great extent, the entire universe. While his origins remain unknown, it is believed he grew up in numerous places throughout the United States and abroad. Chris served his country in the Army as part of a special operations unit that operated throughout many different nations. Details of his military service remain classified and the Department of Defense refused to comment for this article. After leaving the military, Chris fathered a daughter and attended the University of Alaska, Anchorage where he was awarded multiple degrees in numerous discplines. With the exception of a 18 month period where he lived and worked in the Las Vegas area, Chris lived in, and loved, the San Diego area since leaving Alaska.

Police do suspect foul play and are said to have a number of female suspects in custody. Detective Rupert Mustaiche of the San Diego Police Homicide Division, stated the folowing, in a press conference, “We are following numerous leads at this time” and that they “have multiple suspects in for questioning”.

Mustaiche added “Those bitches are crazy for that 10Pound guy”

Chris is survived by his Daughter, Victoria Ann Brown.

A private service for immediate friends and family is to be held at Petco Stadium this Saturday. Bob Bermingham, Chris’s best friend and number one nigga, will be giving the eulogy. Chris expressed, in his last will and testament, that in lieu of flowers, that all his “niggas pour a lil likka out” in memory.

Numerous distributors in the southern california area have reported a run on 40oz products and are trucking in additional supplies to meet the need.

A nation mourns.

extemporaneous

Oscar Nominations were announced this morning. Im not sure I care (read: I do) because ‘06 kind of sucked in cinema terms. I saw some pretty funny shit and had a great time at comic-con but when I went to the movieplex/mailbox/interweb I did’nt really see anything that made my asshole pucker in delight. 2006 might actually go down in history as the year where I turned off more movies than I actually finished. It also marks the year where I watched more TV series (on DVD) than movies. I had way more fun watching “Rescue Me”, Nip/Tuck and “Babylon5″ and listening to Bob cry about his pregnant wife and subsequent blue-balls (that shit makes me laugh) than actual movie watching. Regardless, my Oscar pics are below (in bold genius) and even though I have not see all of the movies below I have seen most of them. The ones I havent yet seen I will try to nail down before Oscar night.

Not that it makes any difference but last year almost none of my pics were actual winners. That is because the Academy is made up of ignorant old people.

Best Picture
THE DEPARTED
BABEL
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
THE QUEEN

Actor in a Leading Role
Forest Whitaker, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND
Peter O’Toole, VENUS
Will Smith, THE PURSUIT OF HAPPYNESS
Leonardo DiCaprio, BLOOD DIAMOND
Ryan Gosling, HALF NELSON

Actress in a Leading Role
Helen Mirren, THE QUEEN
Judi Dench, NOTES ON A SCANDAL
Kate Winslet, LITTLE CHILDREN
Penelope Cruz, VOLVER
Meryl Street, THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

Best Director
Martin Scorsese, THE DEPARTED
Paul Greengrass, UNITED 93
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, BABEL
Stephen Frears, THE QUEEN
Clint Eastwood, LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Actor in a Supporting Role
Eddie Murphy, DREAMGIRLS
Alan Arkin, LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Mark Wahlberg, THE DEPARTED
Djimon Hounsou, BLOOD DIAMOND
Jackie Earle Haley, LITTLE CHILDREN

Actress in a Supporting Role
Jennifer Hudson, DREAMGIRLS
Adriana Barraza, BABEL
Rinko Kinkuchi, BABEL
Abigail Breslin, LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
Cate Blanchett, NOTES ON A SCANDAL

Best Original Screenplay
THE QUEEN
LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
BABEL
LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA
PAN’S LABYRINTH

Best Adapted Screenplay
THE DEPARTED
LITTLE CHILDREN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
BORAT
CHILDREN OF MEN

Best Original Score
BABEL
THE GOOD GERMAN
NOTES ON A SCANDAL
PAN’S LABYRINTH
THE QUEEN

Best Animated Film
HAPPY FEET
CARS
MONSTER HOUSE

Best Foreign Film
PAN’S LABYRINTH
AFTER THE WEDDING
WATER
DAYS OF GLORY (INDIGENES)
THE LIVES OF OTHERS

Best Art Direction
PAN’S LABYRINTH
DREAMGIRLS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST
THE GOOD SHEPHERD
THE PRESTIGE

Best Cinematography
CHILDREN OF MEN
THE PRESTIGE
THE ILLUSIONIST
THE BLACK DAHLIA
PAN’S LABYRINTH

Best Costume Design
DREAMGIRLS
MARIE ANTOINETTE
CURSE OF THE GOLDEN FLOWER
THE QUEEN
THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

Best Documentary Feature
AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH
DELIVER US FROM EVIL
IRAQ IN FRAGMENTS
JESUS CAMP
MY COUNTRY, MY COUNTRY

Best Documentary (Short Subject)
THE BLOOD OF YINGZHOU DISTRICT
RECYCLED LIFE
REHEARSING A DREAM
TWO HANDS

Best Film Editing
BABEL
THE DEPARTED
UNITED 93
CHILDREN OF MEN
BLOOD DIAMOND

Best Makeup
PAN’S LABYRINTH
APOCALYPTO
CLICK

Best Short Film (Animated)
THE DANISH POET
LIFTED
THE LITTLE MATCHGIRL
MAESTRO
NO TIME FOR NUTS

Best Short Film (Live-Action)
BINTA AND THE GREAT IDEA (BINTA Y LA GRAN IDEA)
ÉRAMOS POCOS (ONE TOO MANY)
HELMER & SON
THE SAVIOUR
WEST BANK STORY

Best Sound Editing
APOCALYPTO
BLOOD DIAMOND
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
LETTERS FROM IWON JIMA

Best Sound Mixing
DREAMGIRLS
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST
FLAGS OF OUR FATHERS
BLOOD DIAMOND
APOCALYPTO

Best Visual Effects
POSEIDON
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN’S CHEST
SUPERMAN RETURNS

Best Original Song
“Love You I Do” – DREAMGIRLS, Jennifer Hudson
“Listen” – DREAMGIRLS, Beyonce Knowles
“I Need to Wake Up” - AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH, Melissa Etheridge
“Patience” – DREAMGIRLS, Eddie Murphy
“Our Town” - CARS, James Taylor

As I said before, ‘06 was a particularly bad year for film. I simply can’t remember another year so full of disappointments shit as this past one. Therefore, with great fanfare, I give you my votes for the 2006 Razzie Awards. (in bold genius)
Worst Picture
BASIC INSTINCT 2
BLOODRAYNE
LADY IN THE WATER
LITTLE MAN
WICKER MAN

Worst Actor
Tim Allen / THE SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE, THE SHAGGY DOG & ZOOM
Nicolas Cage / WICKER MAN
Larry the Cable Guy (Dan Whitney) / LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR
Rob Schneider / BENCHWARMERS & LITTLE MAN
Marlon Wayans & Shawn Wayans / LITTLE MAN

Worst Actress
Hilary Duff & Haylie Duff / MATERIAL GIRLS
Lindsay Lohan / JUST MY LUCK
Kristanna Loken / BLOODRAYNE
Jessica Simpson / EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Sharon Stone / BASIC INSTINCT 2

Worst Supporting Actress
Kate Bosworth / SUPERMAN RETURNS
Kristin Chenoweth / DECK THE HALLS, PINK PANTHER & RV
Carmen Electra / DATE MOVIE & SCARY MOVIE
Jenny McCarthy / JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE
Michelle Rodriguez / BLOODRAYNE

Worst Screenplay
BASIC INSTINCT 2
BLOODRAYNE
LADY IN THE WATER
LITTLE MAN
WICKER MAN

Worst Screen Couple
Tim Allen & Martin Short / SANTA CLAUSE 3: THE ESCAPE CLAUSE
Nicolas Cage & his bear suit / WICKER MAN
Hilary & Haylie Duff / MATERIAL GIRLS
Sharon Stone’s breasts / BASIC INSTINCT 2
Shawn Wayans &/either Kerry Washington or Marlon Wayans / LITTLE MAN

Worst Remake or Rip-Off
LITTLE MAN (Rip-off of 1954 Bugs Bunny cartoon “Baby Buggy Bunny”)
PINK PANTHER
POSEIDON
THE SHAGGY DOG
WICKER MAN

Worst Prequel or Sequel (I gave up on this one, they all suck hard)
BASIC INSTINCT 2
BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE 2
GARFIELD 2: A TALE OF TWO KITTIES
SANTA CLAUSE 3
TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING

Worst Excuse for a Family Film
DECK THE HALLS
GARFIELD 2: A TALE OF TWO KITTIES
SANTA CLAUSE 3
THE SHAGGY DOG

elucidation

A Year in Review: The 10Pound Perspective

I am not really known for writing years in review. As a matter of fact, I totally dislike them because they typically focus on stories that we were over exposed to or were over sensationalized or were just plain fucking stupid. Many times over these stories are a combination of all three. This one is a little different as that it focuses on me, my family and my friends.

Thus it is way more important than anything else written. Ever.

January

12 months into my past is an mental exercise. Due to rabid partying and so many good times experienced this past year, my on the fly recall is a bit spotty. Fortunately for me I write some of this shit down from time to time.

I break up (via email) with Helen.

Helen was a good chick; funny, loved sex and British……Its the trifecta for me. I broke a cardinal rule in dating Helen because she was a recently divorced Mother of a 1 year old girl. I never get involved with single Moms but Helen made me break the rules. I miss her sometimes but we wont ever speak again. Why? Because I broke up with her in order to date Heather again. Did I mention I did this over email? Chicks HATE this. In hindsight, this was a very bad idea (I will explain in May). I rationalized this decision by postulating that since Helen lived in New York (yeah, long distance relationship) and was a single mother, dating her was a bad idea. Live and learn I suppose, I can be so fucking stupid at times.

Bob and I ended our feud. We had been beefing hard over some work shit that went down in New York when we were working on the Clarendon Insurance project (November, December of the 2005). That was bad news. We were both in the wrong and I know we both suffered over it. Regardless, we put the bad mojo aside and allowed our egos to cool some and suddenly, we are amigos again. Good times, nobody even got their nose broke. (old pic but you get the idea)

Heather and I reunite as well (mentioned above). Achtung Baby! This doesn’t bode well and is a sign of bad things to come.

February

Holy shit, I’m off to Europe again. I get a call from work saying they need me to work on clusters in Holland, Italy and France. NICE! I arrive in Holland,

stay in a posh hotel

and work with the most frustrating idiot-savant in the universe. (the guy with the beard, super smart, super annoying) Its the first and only time I refuse to work with a Cisco engineer ever again.

The better news is that I got to work on A 200 node cluster in Almere, Holland. It wont be the last time either…..

 

After the job I do shrooms in my hotel room…………alone……………bad idea. I end up instant messaging Heather all night and singing purple rain lyrics. Warning: Don’t ever do shrooms solo.

 

I arrive in Italy and stay at the only 5-Star Hotel I may ever stay at.

It sucks and the food blows, I go find a McDonalds. Other than that, the city is incredibly beautiful, the beer is awful, I’m a tad disappointed in the women and I can’t communicate with anyone. In other words, I’m excited to leave spaghetti land and hit France. The job with the frenchies never materializes and I fly home. Two weeks in Europe on the companies dime isn’t that shabby though.

While listening to XM Radio I notice music from a band called Coheed and Cambria. I had never heard of them before but I am diggin what I am hearing.

Heather and I are happy and healthy……….

March

Myself and boys (Bob, Lub, Jelani and 2 hanger ons, Drew and Steve) all go to vegas in order to get laid, do drugs and slap strippers in the champagne room.

Bob gets married and I am the best man. What an honor.

I go back to Sandia National labs to work on the 4500 node cluster there. I helped put it together in 2005 and when they added another 500 nodes, somebody fucked up so they called in the 10pound to come fix it. I rule.

Heather and I are together and doing well……..

April

Bob and Lindsey return from their honeymoon and figure out that Cailab and I (and some other guy we didnt even know) took pictures of our balls with the disposable cameras that were lying all around at their wedding. Bob responds in kind…

Click the pic above to open new website.

I head back to Holland for more cluster work at the University of Amsterdam in Almere.

Its pretty cool work but I end up working with the same Cisco Engineer that I said I would never work with again. He is twice as annoying this time around as well. I stay in a great hotel though in Amsterdam. I go into a coffee bar (weed spot) and buy a joint, take 2 hits, get way fucked up and throw it away. I guess I’m no Cheech Marin

I go to see Beatallica who play mutated Beatles songs Metallica style. You can download their music from the web for free. This turns out to be a defining moment for me as I learn that people can be a success just fucking off.

Heather and I are still together…..

May

I return from Europe and take Heather (yep, still oh so much in love) to a romantic wedding in Palm Springs and then the following weekend we go to a bed and breakfast in Santa Barbara.

 

 

 

The weekend after that, we break up. I am not that happy. I start listening to Coheed and Cambria 24/7.

What can I say? Cocaine is a helluva drug………………

June

Ok Im single so what do I do? I go on the wagon first…………..this is NOT as easy as it sounds however I manage to make it a month without a drink. This is atypical because my first reaction to a stresser like this is to crawl inside a bottle and slut around town. Instead I try to face my feelings over the break up. Like I said this works for about a month.

I start hanging with a girl who lives out in Palm Springs, April

Shes cool and all, kind of a hippy chick but she lives 2 hours away and has a kid that isnt mine so it doesnt work out. Yep, she hates me now. EDIT!!! April called my bullshit on this one and she was right to do so. Fact of the matter is, I didn’t call her for 2 weeks and hurt her feelings pretty bad. I may have blamed it on her having a kid that wasn’t mine but its not really the case. I was actually just being an insensitive dick.

Then I hook up with a chick I dated in 2005, May Lane, and she takes me to a Dave Matthews Band concert. Then she fucks me silly, since I’m an ass thats still but-hurt over the Heather thing I don’t really realize this is her way of saying “I like you and want to hang out with you more. Yep, she hates me now.

I go to North Carolina to work at the Cisco lab at the Research Triangle for a few days. While I’m at it, I stop by the Duke University for a little look see. The Lacrosse team decides that I am not worth raping.

 

July

Victoria comes to visit. She is so big, 14 years old now, 13 in the picture. Its crazy that I am the father of a teenager. She spends a week with me and it actually the one thing I needed to heal me from the break with Heather.

Jake and I start taking a few afternoons off each week to hit the beach…..i see a trend developing and why not? We deserve it…

Comic-Con 2006 rolls around, I attend all three days….

Day One: I meet Claudio Sanchez of Coheed and Cambria……..life is so gooooooooooood!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Day Two: Security tells me I have to leave Leia alone

Day Three: I meet the Joblo Movie crew…my internet crush is over. He didn’t even mention me on the web site.

Bob and I get invited to a release party for the movie Accepted. We party hard and have a great time. I meet Robert Duval and Lewis Black. It is a good month.

August

I fly to Cincinnati for work, I am unable to find WKRP.

I meet this chick named Linda Nagel while in the air. She turns out to be a damn cool chick and a good friend. She is a professor at the University of Michigan and the mother of a teenage girl the same age as mine. Coincidence? Whatever…

I end up at the University of Oklahoma to install a cluster and decide that Oklahoma is not OK. Its flat and ugly and so are the women. Weak Sauce. They had a strip bar in town called “Dragons Lair”. What the fuck?

I head back to San Diego just in time to drive up to Pomona to see Coheed and Cambria

I can die now. The show changed my life…………….Coheed takes over as my numero uno band.

GayPride 2006 rolls around. I live in the gay neighborhood of San Diego but the gays, unlike the straights, do not discriminate. Since 90% of my neighbors are gay, its a HUGE party. The drinking starts at 10am. Ive attended all of the gay pride parades in San Diego since I moved here. They are great, very uplifting, a celebration of diversity. Oddly enough, Bob, Lub and Jelani all show up. It was really weird.

The same day I start dating Ashley Taylor, my neighbor who is model quality beautiful and lives with her ex-boyfriend??? Yep, Im still an idiot.

Bob, Cailab, Ashley and I all go to Street Scene. I jizz over the Shins, Bob creams over Tool, Cailab gets wet over WuTang and we all have a great time. I get really drunk and take off with Ashley who doesnt go the second night. Bob is pissed….

In smarter news, Jake and I are still blowing off work, about every single day at this point, to go to the beach and drink beer. Life is good.

September

My smart beautiful daughter turns 14. I am officially scared…………….

Jake and I are blowing off work every day now, we arent even trying at this point. We show up at the office at 10 am, check email and leave. I meet him at his house and we take the boards and the beer to Pacific Beach, tower 21. Bob thinks that I am being irresponsible, I could not agree more.

Ashley and I are still dating, sort of. She comes over, we sleep together, she leaves. Its awesome and unsettling at the same time. I get the feeling that I am being used. I should like that feeling but……

October

I go to Michigan to see Linda. Its cold as fuck up there by Lake Superior.

The college I went to is playing the local university in Hockey. They get their asses handed to them. Nice going assholes, way to embarrass me.

I arrive home in time to party with my buddy Mike on Halloween. Mike is always a good time.

By now it is too chilly to hit the beach in SD. The Summer of 10Pound has come to a close. Little tear….

November

Thanksgiving at Bob’s house Other than that, I spend most of the month studying for my RHCE exam until I realize that taking it in December will skim a year off of my total cert time when the new release comes out in February.

Ashley and I stop dating, Melissa and I start dating. This somehow happens without me really knowing whats going on. Im not sure anyone else does either.

December

I go to Lithuania! This is a bad ass trip. I worked pretty hard but I got out and about and saw some sights. The guy I worked for out there is a nutcase, very cool but a nut regardless. I see a castle, Soviet-Era buildings, very very VERY hot women and I am drinking entirely too much. I actually need a day or two when I return to dry out. Thoughts of sobriety run thru my head.

Jake and I blow off the company xmas party to go snowboarding at Bear. The timing could not have been better.

Xmas comes around. Yawn. Melissa takes me to her friends house for dinner. I have a good time and without getting drunk although I think she gets kinda hammered.

New years eves rolls around what do ya know? It’s my burfday. I get fucking destroyed……….on absinthe of all things. Here is a rundown of things that happen on my birthday. Melissa gets mad at me for looking down the dress of every girl in the place. I start drinking green stuff called absinthe. I get a semi retarded guy to start quoting lines from Talladega Nights. Shake and Bake, baby! Some navy guy calls me Anderson Cooper and I want to fight (not a good sign). I get the retard to eat wasabi sauce.

The results are awesome.

I passed out at 2am. It’s the first time in 2 years that I actually go out and do anything on my birthday, all thanks to Melissa. Mucho appreciado babes! None of my boys are around because Bob is under house arrest, Lub is in Idaho planning his eventual move home and Jelani is…………I actually have no idea where j-Lo is

I turn 35

Happy new years to all my people. I hope 2007 is even better.